November, 2003
Parenting Class
Amazingly, the State does not require us to take a parenting class before we have kids. But it does make us take one when we get divorced. The Parent Education Program (PEP) was phased into the divorce process during the last decade. Under it, everyone is required to attend two 3 hours lectures by counseling agencies who tell you how to be a good parent during and after your divorce. The cost is $65 for each of you (it just went up while I was writing this article) and you are not allowed to take the course together.
People's reaction to the program is mixed. Some feel it is a great idea, while others think it is a waste of time. (But of course everyone wishes their X2B would learn something from the course.) I myself leaned towards the "waste-of-time" end of the spectrum, but I have to admit that I walked out of there with a few good points which I still remember and apply to this day. I'll give you the top 3:
1.
Don't use the child as your messenger service. When we are doing the drop-off and pick-up thing, we are often tempted to use our kid as a go-between. Rather than talking directly to the X, we may say: "Tell your father that you won't see him next week because we will be going to Uncle Jake's wedding." This puts tremendous pressure on the child, and it puts him directly in the line of fire between you two. This example is fraught with potential disaster. You can imagine the father going into a tirade about the mother when he gets this message. But even "harmless" messages should be avoided. You two are the parents and you two need to continue direct communication for this job.
Don't use the child as your messenger service. When we are doing the drop-off and pick-up thing, we are often tempted to use our kid as a go-between. Rather than talking directly to the X, we may say: "Tell your father that you won't see him next week because we will be going to Uncle Jake's wedding." This puts tremendous pressure on the child, and it puts him directly in the line of fire between you two. This example is fraught with potential disaster. You can imagine the father going into a tirade about the mother when he gets this message. But even "harmless" messages should be avoided. You two are the parents and you two need to continue direct communication for this job.2.Don't use the child as a spy.Wouldn't you love to know what your X2B is doing or who they're seeing? What better way to find out than by asking the kid who has an inside scoop? "Whose car was that in Dad's driveway yesterday?" Now you may be saying, "Well, I need to know who my X is dating because it impacts my child." Maybe. But you don't need to get this info from your child. They are not stupid. They know they're being used for information and that makes them feel like they are in the middle again. Call your ex directly if you have questions.
Don't use the child as a spy.Wouldn't you love to know what your X2B is doing or who they're seeing? What better way to find out than by asking the kid who has an inside scoop? "Whose car was that in Dad's driveway yesterday?" Now you may be saying, "Well, I need to know who my X is dating because it impacts my child." Maybe. But you don't need to get this info from your child. They are not stupid. They know they're being used for information and that makes them feel like they are in the middle again. Call your ex directly if you have questions.3.Don't bad-mouth your X2B with your child. Shouldn't your kids know what a !@#$%^&* their other parent is? Wouldn't you just love to tell them how their father was caught cheating on you? Or how their mother is a drunk? You can bad mouth them blatantly or you can do it more slyly. You know. Little digs and jabs whenever the opportunity arises. Either way is bad and either way will only make your kids resent you, not the other parent. So knock it off.
Don't bad-mouth your X2B with your child. Shouldn't your kids know what a !@#$%^&* their other parent is? Wouldn't you just love to tell them how their father was caught cheating on you? Or how their mother is a drunk? You can bad mouth them blatantly or you can do it more slyly. You know. Little digs and jabs whenever the opportunity arises. Either way is bad and either way will only make your kids resent you, not the other parent. So knock it off.There, I just taught you the 6 hour course in 5 minutes. Give me $65 now.
Now, what happens if your X2B won't attend the program? If he lives out of state (or otherwise has a good reason for not going) then he can move to have the requirement waived. Otherwise, you can move the court to either compel him to take the course, or if he still refuses, then you can probably just go for full custody and he loses all parental rights to the child.
