May '02 - It's not fair!

        

A lawyer would really question his abilities if all his clients complained to him that they were getting a raw deal.  And yet that is inevitably what happens in a vast majority of divorce cases.  Take your standard situation where mom gets custody of the children and dad pays her child support.  He will complain about how much money he has to give her every week.  How she never spends it on the children; she just uses it to go out partying and buy herself designer clothes.  She in turn will complain that there is no way she can support these children on the meager pittance that he gives her.  And meanwhile he is out buying all kinds of expensive toys for himself and his new girlfriend. 

So who is right?  Well, neither of them.  What most people going through a divorce fail to appreciate is the financial hit they are going to take.  Prior to the separation, your family had a certain income and a certain amount of bills to pay.  Like most people, you probably got by paycheck to paycheck.  I guarantee you no couple ever said "Honey, let's rent that apartment down the street so the cat can have some personal time for himself."  And yet that is exactly what we do when we separate.  Our "family" has to pay for a second home (including electricity, heat, phone, etc.) on the same income they had last month.  There simply isn't enough money to go around.   It is the reverse situation of the saying: "Two can live cheaper than one." 

The same can be said for dividing your assets.  When I got divorced I was unhappy because I lost my house.  But when I thought about it, I realized I never owned a house.  Rather, I owned one jointly with another person.  And if I wanted to continue living in that same or a similar house, I was going to have to buy one with a different other person.  And while I never thought twice about sharing a house with my wife, it's a whole different scenario when I have to share it with some guy named Bubba who plays air guitar to old Twisted Sister songs blasting in the background. 

So what's the magic answer?  There is none.  You are going to take a financial whack.  You will lower your standard of living.  You may accumulate a lot of debt.  You may need to file bankruptcy.  You may have to move back in with your parents for a while.   But you will emerge from it.  In the meantime, try to appreciate that your ex's financial circumstances are just as bad and he or she is not necessarily taking you for a ride.